A Picture Perfect Christmas
Many people, including myself, have very mixed feelings about Christmas and the holiday season. Growing up and discovering the truth behind Santa and his helper elves can be disappointing for children. Letting go of fantasies about reality is really a part of growing up. However, for parents and adults it may feel like a chore to keep up the magic of Christmas for the kids. Elements of holiday angst are shared by so many people but we rarely openly talk about it. Like the child who has figured out that Santa is not real, we feel obliged to go along with the façade so that no one is made uncomfortable by our honesty. There are often expectations that we should be happy to be around family and celebrate together. When in truth, we are stressed about any number of things and feel resentful and disconnected from our own relatives. However, acknowledging our own disappointments around the holidays can help us begin to figure out what we really want and how that might look. Ultimately, our experience of the holidays could develop into a real sense of appreciation and caring for the people around us. We may actually begin to enjoy ourselves.
Rudolph
As a child, we are told about a fantastical land in the north where elves make toys for all good children around the world. In this North Pole, there is a jolly fat man who flies through the air in a sleigh pulled by magical reindeer delivering presents to children all over the world. All of this is done in one night. Wow! All we need to do is be good throughout the year, go to bed early and don’t forget to leave out milk and cookies. I was the youngest in my family and everyone participated in facilitating the story of Santa and his reindeer on Christmas Eve. My last year as a true believer, someone went to the window and yelled, “I think I just saw something in the sky!” A few minutes later, someone jingled bells outside our house and my Dad said, ”Did you hear that?” It was a group conspiracy and everyone had fun creating the magic. In the morning, I woke up early and discovered that Santa had indeed visited. On top of that, he drank all the milk and left only cookie crumbs on the plate. That year, I totally believed Santa and his reindeer had landed on the roof of our house!
A Christmas Story
As we grow older, the holiday veil grows thin. A kid on the playground told me that, ”there is no Santa and our parents have tricked us.” I remember feeling disappointed and angry at the same time. Then I just felt sad. It seemed like my parents needed me to believe. They continued to talk about Santa but it felt different knowing they weren’t telling the truth. I went along with it for another year. As I grew older and entered middle school, the need to differentiate from Mom and Dad became more of a factor. I hung out with the neighborhood kids getting into snowball fights and sledding down steep and dangerous hills. That year I ended up in the hospital with a concussion from a sledding accident. Santa was not such a big deal anymore, I was growing up.
It’s a Wonderful Life
As the years went by, all the magic began to fade for me and I began to notice the neurosis at family functions. Sharing stories with my friends after the holidays about whose family Christmas was the most crazy and dysfunctional became a source of bonding for us. However, as I got older it was no longer a source of entertainment but pain. Christmas began to feel like a chore….the food, the presents, the visiting with people you call your relatives but feel like strangers. Conversations felt shallow, routine and sometimes awkward. My siblings were making their own families and had the in-laws to visit too. All the positive energy was focused into the children but was short lasting. It felt very lonely despite being surrounded by so much family. The holidays could easily become a period of depression for me. My training as a therapist has taught me that repressed emotions can contribute to depression. Something needed to change…Christmas was a time of angst and near depressive lows. By the time I had entered my 30s, I took advantage of opportunities to speak honestly with individual family members about what we liked and disliked about the holidays. Over the years, trust in this level of openness has created an atmosphere during the holidays that feels more nourishing.
The Grinch who Stole Christmas
As we all grow older, choices arise. One of these choices may be, how does my family of origin fit into my life,if at all? After two decades of my siblings creating their own families and raising their own kids, the way we meet on the holidays is different. Over the years we have shared and discussed some of our personal disappointments. As a result, we have all resolved that to be together and celebrate with some genuine holiday cheer. Each year the family dynamics are different and continue to change. Half of the family has died of old age or disease and a whole new generation has been born and are young adults now. As part of the older generation, we know our days are limited. As adults, we have our own process to go through. Our lives are more complicated and we bring a lot of personal and collective history to the table. From cradle to the grave we journey through life returning to the holiday table each year.
Elf
As we grow older, our “life review” and inventory of what’s important to us becomes more relevant. As a kid, we are a captive audience to the stories we are told. We gladly believe in the magic and mystery. The truth that there is no Santa can be a harsh discovery for a kid. This may impact our attitude about Christmas into our adulthood and may go unexamined. Instead, we begrudgingly go through the holiday routine secretly feeling disappointed, lonely and thankful when it’s over. Taking a fresh look at what we feel about Christmas and how we’d like it to be is important. Making genuine connections with family and friends has become the main intention for us. Through talking openly about our disappointments we have become more intentional in how we celebrate together. The whole family has agreed that the consumerism and materialism of Christmas is something we can all live without. We have grown into showing more appreciation for each, taking time to really support each other when we are together and most of all have fun. My idea has been to engage everyone in charades which is hilarious because everyone has social anxiety. In spite of great awkwardness, everyone is willing to be out there in front of family and friends. This holiday, I am going to think more about where I have been, where I may be headed and be thankful for my life today and everyone in it.
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